I am trying.
Trying to remember something anything.
I can't even remember the simplest thing of all.
The date. I feel so tired. I feel so useless. I feel nothing.
My parents aren't back from their trip because they are stuck in Ireland due to coronavirus. So I am stuck all by myself doing nothing. I have to cook and clean but that doesnt make me happy. I just can't be happy. I cant have friends over, and my charger doesn't work so I cant charge my phone or get a new one because all the stores are shut down. I have to stay here lonely. That damn date I think to myself. Every day is like the last one. There is nothing to do except binge watch bad reality tv on demand or watch reruns of I love Lucy. I just can't do it anymore. I am so tired of this. I just feel depressed. I almost wanna die because my life will never get better. I can't even remember the day so I don't know if I even have school today. MY COMPUTER. I can find out the date on there I totally forgot. I race to my room and open it up. I sign in and click at the bottom where the time is. " Monday," I say to myself. Crap I have to sign on I think as I look at the time it's already 8:07. I sign on to my first class, science, and start zoning out. My regular routine now. I have no one to talk to. Next year I will be a senior and graduate but I wonder will it all just be the same.
I start to cry, I cry because I know it probably will. Nothing will change. We are still in the purple not even close to the red. There is no chance of me going back to school ever. The teacher starts talking about putting our cameras on but I don't care anymore. I hate my teachers I hate them because they don't understand. The adults think it is only affecting them but it's affecting us kids to. When the pandemic hit my grades started to slip and my mom got super mad at me but she doesn't understand. It's hard, its soooo hard. I try to pay attention but my teachers are dumb and they are all bad with technology because they are all super old. They think that it is all about them to say how hard it is and all that but they never take a chance to ask if we are ok. Then they wonder why we leave their class early or don't respond or turn our cameras on. Its because we don't wanna be here or in their class. So I am mad I am not just mad at my teachers but at the world too because they just don't care people are still going to parties and doing everything that the government is saying not to do. Even the government isn't taking their own advice. Governor Newsom was at a dinner and not wearing mask with his friends and yet he is trying too enforce us to be socially distanced and not go out yet he can't even take his own advice. It's not fair to a lot of people. I know I want to go to school but I can't because everyone else cant follow the damn rules.
I am so over school, so I leave. I don't show up to any of my other classes either because I just can't handle this anymore. I just want something to change I want something to be normal again. Nothing will ever be normal again. I have to go outside and see the world i haven't been outside in months so maybe it will be different outside I race out of my front door and wince as the cold air hits my face. And that was the last straw. I wanna puke. I feel no different. Actually I feel worse because just because I am outside doesn't mean anything. Nothing will change just because I want it to. I am done being patient. I am done waiting. I am done with life. I am so done. I hate this, I hate feeling this emptiness. I am living in a nightmare. I am living in a nightmare that will never end. I know it will never end because it hasn't ended for a year. Why cant it just be over. I want it all to be over. I want it to end. I want to end this pain. No one will care. No one does care. I just don't know why it has to be like this. I don't want it to be like this. I am over it. I am over this life and this world. Everyone is stupid. This is so stupid. I wonder if I am stupid for thinking this. Am I. I might be but I can feel the way I feel. I want it to be over. I want it to stop lingering on. Because this is my never ending nightmare. But I found a way to end it. I am going to end it. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel like this. I hate it. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I cant handle it anymore. I don't want to have to handle it. I don't want to keep it bottled up inside. I am done. I am done with it all. I want it to be over. I want this nightmare to be over. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry. I don't know what to feel anymore.
I hear a car turning the corner. I walk into the middle of the street.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate this world.
So goodbye self.
Goodbye mom.
Goodbye dad.
Goodbye world.
Monday, day 1:
I woke up at noon. It's been a month since high school ended. And three weeks since I got rejected by my two dream schools. I had no back up, nothing else lined up. I was depending on this to work out, I had high hopes that everything would fall into place, and two months from now I'd be on campus. But now, I don't even know what I'll be doing in two months.
Hopefully, a job.
Wednesday, day 9:
I applied for multiple jobs, and only got a call back for one. Good old, reliable McDonald's. Everyone gets their first job there, and free food! It's a bonus! And a good distraction until I am able to apply for other schools.
It's not ideal, I'm still bummed I'm not going to attend my dream schools, but hey, it is what it is.
At least I have this job to fall back on. It'll be a nice way to make some extra money.
Friday, day 11:
Well, I didn't get hired. How did I not get hired? EVERYONE gets hired!
It was another day sleeping until noon Mum says I need to stop that, but I'm just so tired lately.
Tuesday, day 17:
I watched my best friend, Tom, leave early for Yale. He got in right away, I knew he would. He was smart. He'd often tutor me whenever I needed the extra help - I wasn't dumb at all, but history wasn't my best subject. There's just too much to remember.
I was happy that he was going off to live his dream. I waved him off with a big smile.
But...it felt fake. I felt an anger towards him for leaving, while I was stuck here, doing nothing with my life. I wanted to punch something, yell at the top of my lungs. Why did he get in and I didn't? Why is my future on pause while he gets to go out and live?
It's just not fair.
Friday, day 26:
I applied for a bunch of other schools I just have to get into one. Just ONE.
I don't know what to do if I don't get in...
Sunday, day 32:
Half the schools got back to me, I didn't get in. I....didn't....get....in. How could this happen? Each time I opened the rejection letter, I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes. I wanted to cry harder than I've ever cried before. But nothing would come out.
I stayed in bed for the rest of the day. I didn't feel like doing anything, I just wanted to sleep. My mum didn't like that, and tried to get me out of bed, but couldn't. I was a stubborn guy.
Cross your fingers for the other half going well. I NEED it to go well...
Tuesday, day 40:
It's official, no school wants me. What's wrong with me that I can't get into ANY school? My grades were decent, I didn't get into much trouble throughout high school. Sure, I could have done some more extra curricular activities, but I didn't think that would matter much. It SHOULDN'T matter much.
Since finding out, I've been feeling something I've never felt before. I don't know what it is. Sadness? Anger? No. I feel....empty. Useless. Just a speck of dust on this planet. Unimportant, and always gonna be unimportant. If a school didn't want me, why would anyone else?
Thursday, day 42:
Tom messaged me. Sent me tons of photos of his campus, his dorm room, even told me about his roommate. They get along. They seem to be becoming fast friends, and probably soon...best friends.
Tom was my best friend since we were in diapers. Why did I think it would be a forever friendship? Of course he'd find someone new when he left for college. Someone smarter, someone better
I hated his roommate. I hated his roommate more than anyone. And I hated Tom.
How could he show off all his luck, rub it in my face, while I was stuck back home with nothing.
I can't handle it anymore.
I'm going crazy.
Saturday, day 62:
Mum forced me to go out with her and dad. She took me to my favourite fast food place (NOT McDonald's, those assholes). I think they knew how upset I was by this. Being rejected over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over hurt. It stung so bad, made me doubt everything about myself.
I hate myself.
I hate that I can't do anything right.
I hate that I'm not smart enough.
I hate that my parents think a quick meal is going to fix everything.
I hate how clueless they are.
I hate college.
I hate rejection letters.
I hate Tom.
And his roommate.
I hate...life.
Monday? Day 79? 80?
My bed has become my comfort. I don't leave it, ever. This is where they're gonna find my decomposing body. I sleep most of the day, awake most of the night. I'm always tired.
But what's the point in caring anymore?
I don't care.
Friday?, Day 103?
I've lost track of time. Every day seems to blend together. I used to be able to tell the days by the sounds of my parents downstairs. If I heard them making coffee and having a quick chat before it became quiet, I knew it was a work day. Monday to Friday. But if I heard the television and laughter, it was the weekend.
They have a set routine that I easily became familiar with.
Or...WAS familiar with.
Now, I barely pay attention to what sounds are coming from where. I no longer care to hear the television, or the sound of the coffee maker. My mothers laugh once brought me joy and warmth, but now...it's annoying and shrill.
I can't stand how happy they are.
Happy without me.
Maybe they'd be better off without me?
Wednesday? Day 128?
Waking up is hard. Mum told me I needed to start a routine, to get my life back in order.
I told her to fuck off.
It was the most interaction I've had in a while. They stopped coming in, and I stopped going out. I didn't need to see them. They didn't need to see me.
Monday? Day 141?
Wednesday used to be my favourite day of the week. It's when my favourite TV show would come on. It's on tonight, but I haven't seen it in so long, it just doesn't interest me anymore.
I wish it did.
I really do.
I miss laughing at the wacky characters, oogling the pretty girl in the short skirt. Relating to the main character. I miss it all, but I just don't have the energy to care anymore.
Saturday? Day 146?
It's Friday today, I could tell because I heard my mother on the phone with her sister; my aunt. She usually did that at the end of the week, to update her on life and what's been going on, and my aunt to do the same to her.
They were close. Seeing them always made me wish I had a little brother.
But now....I don't. I wouldn't want him to see what a disappointment I am. I'm already one to my parents, to my entire family. I couldn't be one to my imaginary brother (who I often named Jack).
I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but my ears picked up my name. I know she's talked about me before, but she was usually quiet, like she didn't want me to hear what she had to say about me.
Usually, that meant it wasn't good.
Thursday? Day 160?
What day is it? I don't know. I stopped checking my phone. No one calls me, no one texts me. It's my own fault, of course. I know that.
I do the same thing over and over again. I'll break down my schedule.
-Wake up at.....who knows? Sometime when it's bright out.
-Use the bathroom, cause I still need to go.
-Stay in bed, usually looking at the ceiling.
-Mum leaves food outside my bedroom door. Sometimes I take a new bites, otherwise I get dizzy. But I never eat it all. I can't stomach it.
-Sleep.
-More bathroom time.
-Sleep. But this time with music. Loud Angry. Music.
-Repeat.
I do this every day. Every single day.
Wednesday? Day 215?
I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is swallowing me more and more each day. I can't remember the last time I felt happy, I can't even remember what day it is. Or what month it is. How does one lose track of that?
Is it Monday? Friday? Is it the weekend? Is Christmas coming up? I have no fucking idea anymore, and it's driving me crazy. I used to have control over my life, and now....now it's nothing I am nothing. I can't stand it.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I pushed away my parents, I pushed away my friends. I have no one. I AM no one.
How do I end this? I want there to be structure again. I want to feel something. I want to smile, and laugh. Hell, I want to cry. Long and loud, without caring who saw or heard.
I just want things to stop blending together.
I want life to go back to how it was before. I want ME to go back to how I was before. How did I get this low?
It needs to end.
It will end.
Friday? Day 218?
dear mum and dad. you two are Going to see me happy again, I pOmise. I will work hard to make you prOud of me. I know things got out of control, but I'm working Day and night to fix it. things didn't go according to plan But that doesn't mean you need to worrY about me or blame yourself. you two are the best parEnts a son could ever have. you love me for who i am, whIch i know isn't an easy thing to do, Laughable, really. Please dOn't be mad at me for being Very distant, things just got rough. but i'm doing my bEst. i hope you know how much i love You and dad, and am overjOyed that yoU two are my parents.
Goodbye.
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