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There is nothing special about me. I can't sing or dance, or draw, or paint or do anything really. I'm not wildly beautiful or smart or good at sports. I don't have many friends or any special talents either. I'm okay with that though. At least I think I'm okay with that. I don't have to be any of those things to be special. Right? For people to love me? And hey if not, there is always room for improvement? Or at least that's I thought. I was sure of it, but I guess it's different when "SHE" exists. You're always hearing someone talk about ?HER?. How just ?out of this world? she is and how there's always something new with her. ?She's so amazing?, ?Did you hear about what she did last week? ,?I'm so proud of her, she's going to do great things when she grows up?. Blah. Blah. Blah. I get it she's the daughter you've always wanted, The valedictorian every high school dreams they had, The success story everyone wants, The person everyone wants to be friends with. She is everything I'm not and it sucks to be constantly reminded of not being good enough. Of not being ?HER?.
She's my best friend though. Someone that I love very dearly, and hate just as much. I'm just so tired of always being compared to her. Being belittled to show appreciation for her. ?Why can't you be more like her? ,?Try harder so that you can succeed like she has?, ?Do better like her? Jesus I get it. Just become her.
When she got into the honors program, I tried to do the same by working extra hard in school and never missing an assignment or missing school unless it was absolutely necessary. When I didn't get in by 4th grade I realized that I just wasn't going to get in so I slowed down on the all hard work I put in. I started misbehaving in school when I realized nobody really cared about what happened to me in my life. They really just wanted someone to compare to her Someone lesser than. I still had to work hard to be successful because of my internalized fear of failure. Just so I could have at least someone proud of me. Deciding at the ripe age of 8 that I was going to be a lawyer so that I could make a ton of money and be smart and lovable. That was my goal up until the summer of last year. Then as quarantine came around I realized that I wanted to become an astrophysicist; hopeing that maybe that will get more attention out of people but i'm only met with an ?oh that's cool? and a look that says ?yeah like you could make it? and I hate it. So. Fucking. Much. Just knowing that I can't be her and have people believe in me like they do her.
It really hit me that I wasn't good enough for people to like me as much as her in 8th grade. We had our end of the year ceremony and almost everyone was getting an award. Everyone but me. I thought I would at least get one for my English class but the day before, when I wasn't at school, my friend asked my English teacher if I was getting an award and she looked at her with a ?come on now? look. She was my favorite teacher and that was my best subject. All year she told me that I was an amazing writer and such a smart kid and that I would do great things. she just lied to me. I wasn't even good enough for a stupid paper award. That hurt pretty bad. And there I was, yet again going home with nothing for anybody to be proud of. Knowing that if "SHE" were there, she would have gotten every single award you were able to get and more because that's just who she is. She's otherworldly.
I still talk to her and see her whenever I can. I mean she is my best friend. But I just wish that's all she was. My best friend. Not my competition. I shouldn't have to compete against my own family for my family's love and attention. I hate myself for not being her. She's the family favorite. Everyone always wants to meet her and buy her things for her just because she's there. Giving them the time of day. She gets compared to the ways she's like the rest of our family and I get described as the ?problematic child?. ?She's smart like her dad?, ?She's so much like her grandparents? and I get compliments on nothing but my facial features. At least it's something though right? Can I just want to be acknowledged for the things I worked hard on, not the things I was born with and can't change?
I went to visit her recently and I was excited to see her because I haven't seen her in 3 years. Then almost like clockwork, everyone started bragging about her to each other. Even though we all already know everything there is to know about her, it's like she still has to be the topic of conversation just in case we missed something. Always looking at her or talking to her and seeing what she's doing when she's not talking or interacting with them. But when I look to my family for a little attention; A little love just for reassurance that they still care, I get called ?selfish? because they "haven't seen her in years and now she's here" But even when she isn't there I'm never a top priority. Never a second thought. I'm ?old enough to take care of myself? but yet I'm still a child in need of her mothers love. I only wish someone cared about me the way they care about her. Loved me the way they love her. Seen me the way they see her. Knew me like they know her.
We went to a restaurant while we visited her and I just say across from her and noticed how she was laughing and eating with her dad and the rest of the family in ways I never could and I just couldn't help thinking how amazing she truly must be because no matter how hard I try, i'm just never good enough for them, not smart or pretty and talented enough for them. Seeming to always forget that I exist when she's around unless I acknowledge them first, otherwise not knowing that I am there. I just wish that I were her so that I can finally be good enough. Finally, be?.. Special.
I stare out at the sunset I remember how much this symbolizes for ourselves, even more for you. When we gave our sweetest first kiss and our last. I just took advantage of the fact that you were close to me. You looked as radiant as the brilliant red and purple colors of the sunset. Along with your charming smile that could stun anyone. Besides, at the same time it can bring you a magical feeling for a lifetime. Indeed, it was the perfect timing and setting for both of us. Nevertheless, we were too young to handle a long relationship yet, even harder if it's in a boarding school and you were about finishing and me just starting the journey of baccalaureate. Whenever you read these words, perhaps you should think that I am a traitor for not keeping the promises that I have told you one day. However, as I told you before, every part of you caught my attention, especially your passion in every little thing you did. I know it well, due to my immaturity, I probably lost you forever, I was an idiot and I do not regret it enough. Our convictions aligned perfectly with our souls; unfortunately, it didn't last as long as we wanted.
. I know you deserve somebody who always will be by your side; otherwise, I ain't honorable of supporting you; whenever you are feeling down. That is why I had decided to remove you from all my social networks to lie to myself and I already know that I am a coward when I say that if you are happier with another person, and even with a close friend, it is totally fine. However, I emphasize it because I noticed when I looked into your coffee eyes shining when you used to talk with him in front of me. It was even very evident the last day of high school and I couldn't say goodbye to you or try to fix it a bit I broke down, getting all the hate from your friends, I noticed that I screwed it up but the pain is done, I can't go back in time. I'll stay single for a long time, and approach one of our interests, especially biology. As you once told me, you had chosen visual arts, because of someone you loved in your first grade of baccalaureate. Now I can say I'm doing the same. Although my interest in physics is strong. Because of you, I found out my passion in genetics, and biology, you transcended my life and I cherish having met you and stay with you at least for a short time. This was one of the writings that he was never able to send her.
She always was considered as a like-minded person, clever, gorgeous and empathetic, as well as a bit of rudeness and cold. If you take into account her romantic side with people. Regardless of that aspect, she felt loved by a boy who ultimately hurt her later, simply because of his actions that didn't match her words. So the rule of thumb, never to trust so much in a person who shows up unexpectedly and becomes rapidly special because will probably disappoint you. You cannot live a fairytale or to feel like the romantic songs including all its lyrics says, otherwise likely would turn into a melancholic story. Then, the destiny don't wanna to stay together by now or maybe in a year or two I'll take care of you, everlasting whenever you wanna honey.
Coming back to the present; she is staring at the beautiful sunset and then look up the calendar on her cell phone and it is June 21, 2021, and remind her of some facts that happened before the high school graduation.
She said: "It has been a long time, exactly two years ago, I had decided to allow my heart to gain over me and I got disappointed. Fortunately, I am no longer that immature girl who thought that a prince charming would rescue me in the worst moments, at least if the person who can help me is my true friend, brother or sister without necessarily being blood-linked relatives. Sometimes I keep living those experiences in my head for a while. Happily, not in the idealistic way I used to think."
Then she walked through the main streets of the small town where she lives and she used to frequent alongside him, breathing the fresh air of the coming season then. She decided to go back to read her diary and to forget the past because she has already forgiven.
After reading, what she fell on the same day in which butterflies was flying in her stomach. She thought again, and when ring marked the same hour she used to hang out with him likely at 6:30pm and suddenly overthought realizing one thing in particular.
I was glancing at each colorful sunset always reminds me of that time when it was our first date. I lied to my parents to go to the movies with you for the first time, with someone special to me; my friends accompanied me in this madness as usual. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, but especially when it was getting dark, but we still observe the beauty of the sunset, that day 21 brought me back two years ago, but life goes on darling, I'm letting you go. I was achieving it both in my head and in my heart. Although sometimes every person I've met over the years reminds me of something about your personality. I'm not going down again, you decided to lose me forever, without regrets and tried to seem interested in that girl who made me feel somewhat insecure.
I never understood the way you treated me when you were about to break up with me. Even if I felt that, you loved me in that instant, it's still tearing me up but I'm healing. You hurt me so much, when I was learning to love, when I thought you were the one. I set aside a space in my heart, your dazzling presence petrified it and turned into such mellifluous one. I think of you with tears in my eyes. I'm proud to say that I'm vulnerable in that aspect because of you, as well as being stronger than ever. I thought you were the love of my life and even if you were, I discovered that not always the love of your life would stay with you because not everything will last forever. My close friend witnessed how much I always wanted to get back to you, but I'm not the typical person who misses his ex and roll back to the past, because I keep going; otherwise, I couldn't accomplish many things. I can only say that the best description of our relationship is the way the shimmering sunset lasted, that is, how ephemeral as our relationship was. Currently I am blooming like a flower in the spring season, thanks to the support of my close friends, especially the person who supported me the most when you ran away from my life. I'm not ready to love again the way I did but what I really want is to stay with the ones whose lift me up from my burdens and appreciate the beauty of the sunset.
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