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I don?t know why my therapist insisted that I should start keeping a journal, maybe so she can read and go, ?Here?s my excuse to send Raine to a psych ward!? But whatever, maybe it?ll help me feel like not dying or something. Anyway, my name's Raine and my life is one big giant mess, but my therapist said I should start off with my most recent event. My most recent event was having to fly out to visit my family for Thanksgiving. I didn?t even want to go, but I figured that I owed it to them to give them one last goodbye. After all they?ve done for me, they don?t deserve this, but I?m just so sick of living like this. I think it?s the least I can do to give them one thing.
First up, Jamie.
I can?t imagine how this will feel to him. Knowing him, he?s gonna blame himself for this, even though he didn't even do anything. He?s been the best big brother I could ever possibly have The first time he met me, our mom says that he?d been so excited to meet me, he didn?t even acknowledge mom and just went straight to me. Then, whenever I was sick, he?d always pretend he was sick just so that he could take care of me. Granted he was only eight years old when he did this. The fact that I?m going to leave makes me hurt so badly it feels like a knife is being plunged into my heart. I have a picture of him next to me, and I recall all the things I loved about him: his chocolate brown eyes that showed the whole world how much he cared about everything, the way his small smile would light up immensely whenever he was outdoors, the excitement on his face when he got accepted in college. ?I?m gonna be a doctor! I?m finally going to help people!? I didn?t tell him that he helped people just by simply existing. Maybe he can be a psychologist when he becomes a doctor.
When I was with my family for Thanksgiving to say my goodbyes, my goodbye to Jamie was heartbreaking. ?Hey Jamie? Can I talk to you?? I had asked, approaching like a fox to a hound. Jamie set down his book, as he knew that I wasn?t the most sentimental person ?Sure why? Is something wrong?? He had glanced up at me with his puppy dog eyes. I shook my head, knowing it was a lie. ?No, I just want to hang out with my big brother.? I smiled at him and asked, ?How are you?? Jamie smiled, pleased at my question. ?I?m fantastic actually! I?m doing great in my pre-med courses, I just don?t know what specialty to go into. Also, I?m currently reading this book and it is so good! You should read it.? Jamie showed me the book and I gave a sad smile. ?Yeah, but just so you know,? I start off saying, as Jamie gives me a confused look, ?If anything happens, just know that I love you and it was never your fault.? I give him a hug while Jamie asks as a joke, ?What are you talking about Raine??
Next, Beth.
I can?t imagine what it?ll be like when my little sister turns older than myself. That?s just heartbreaking to think about but I need this. I smile as I remember the way she works so perfectly with the crowd. She has enough charisma to carry our whole family. The way her perfect red hair was styled amazing everyday. The way she could put a smile on everyone?s faces just by cracking a joke. But she also has enough compassion and kindness to carry the whole world on her shoulders. The way I feel the need to protect her every moment of every single fucking day That?s why I always understood the way Jamie treats me. Or used to. A single tear runs down my cheek, she always carries too much weight on her shoulders, she would give up her own happiness to make us happy. That?s what I love about her. But the way her mind would change instantly if someone was mean to our family. I know that she?ll be the one consoling everyone when it happens even though she?ll be hurting a lot inside.
I said goodbye to Beth at Thanksgiving. She was painting her nails alone in the dining room when I walked up to her. ?Oh hey!? She laughed, ?You scared me! What?s up?? She showed me her nails, which she was painting a neutral fall color palette. ?Cute!? I squealed, ?I?m just kinda tired.? This was a very dulled down version of how I was feeling. ?Yeah, I get you. Our family?s kinda crazy.? Beth smiled and went back to her nails, she seemed really distracted. ?I wouldn?t give them up for the world though.? I mumbled. Beth smiled, ?Yeah, me too.? I grab her shoulder, taking her by shock. I need her to take this seriously, if she doesn?t I'll never forgive myself. ?Beth, listen to me. You always do so much for our family, and with everything you do, I can tell how much you love living. I know you feel pressured to wait and worry about other people, but don?t. Not even me, don?t wait for me Beth, just Live.? I could tell that my face was showing how desperate I was. Beth raised her eyebrows at me, concerned. ?Raine? is everything ok?? I wrapped her into a tight hug, forgetting about her nails, and I whispered ?I love you.?
My beautiful, sweet mother.
From what I can piece together from my childhood, she was never around much. Only because the hospital she worked at treated her like dirt. She would come home at midnight only to leave again at 6 o?clock in the morning. She had come from a very poor family, she had built herself up from nothing. She always works so hard for our family. This is how her own daughter's life turns out, she works so hard to raise me right, and yet it?s me? who?ll never be enough. Her wits and quirky attitude made her a person who would always love you but you did not want to be on her bad side. How she dyed her gray hairs that poke out from behind her ears because she was insecure. She never realizes how she is the definition of beautiful though. It?s a shame I?ll never be able to tell her. I know she?ll be questioning all of her parenting choices when it happens, and that hurts me. Because she was a perfect mother.
My mom knew something was up when I said goodbye to her at thanksgiving. She was washing dishes in the kitchen. ?Hey sweetie! I didn?t even hear you come in here! How was dinner?? She asked. ?It was delicious, did dad let you cook any part of it though?? I teased her. Mom laughed and playfully tossed soap bubbles at me, ?Raine you know how your father is about cooking. You also know how tremendously bad I am at cooking.? I can tell that she is valuing every moment I?m talking to her. I sat down on a stool at the island, ?Mom? Can I ask you something?? Mom glanced up from the dishes, ?Sure honey, fire away.? I took a deep breath and said, ?Did you ever regret any of your parenting decisions?? Mom looked at me, taken aback. ?No! Why would I do that? I certainly wasn?t the best parent but I have three beautiful children, and I wouldn?t trade anything for you all.? She paused and frowned at me? ?Is something wrong?? I put on a fake smile and said, ?No? I just wanted you to know that you are beautiful and you are the best mother anyone could ever have.? Mom smiles, ?Aw, honey, that means a lot. I love you so much.? She leans in to hug me. As we share a tight embrace, I mutter ?I love you too.?
Dad.
My dad was the goofball of the family. That?s where Beth gets her funny side from. I loved his fine stubble that was always visible on his face, it fits him. The way his ?dad bod? made him seem more fierce and protective even though he would never hurt a fly. It hurts me when I think about what I?ll be doing to him. I think about all the things he?s done for me, and this is how I repay him? How many times has he bandaged my boo-boos when he was teaching me how to ride a bike? How many times has he made family bbq nights fun when none of us wanted to do this? How many times would he take me hiking and show me all the different butterflies out in nature. His fun-loving personality was everything. He?s always the person I can talk to about everything, he was undoubtedly the best person I will ever know. I?ve come to accept it with everyone else, but I can?t accept the fact that I?m leaving my dad forever. I close my eyes and try to stop myself from punching the wall. I know how he?ll take this. He?ll be mad, madder than he?s ever been, and he?s never mad. He?ll look for something to blame, something anything, other than himself, just because he didn?t want to believe that he was a bad parent. That he failed as a father.
I almost couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to dad at Thanksgiving. He was cooking turkey soup with our leftovers. "Hey dad?" I had asked him. He looked up from the steamy broth as he smiled, "What's up sweetie?" I shrugged, "I just wanted to say how much I love you." I fiddled with my thumbs as I said those words. Dad's eyes crinkled as he smiled, "Thank you. I love you so much as well." I forced a laugh and I knew what my message to him would be: "If anything ever happens, just know hat you never failed. You are perfect, don't question anything. I love you."
Finally, me.
Is this really how my life is going to end? I had an entire life in front of me: I was a freshman in college. I had amazing friends and family who cared about me. So why am I doing this? I turn to face myself in the mirror to say goodbye. Not to myself but to the life someone who wanted to live deserved to have. I read somewhere that you being born is a one in 400 trillion chance. So what about everyone else, who didn't get to live, just so that I could make everyone hurt. Tears are streaming down my face, as I try to say goodbye.
I can?t bring myself to say goodbye to myself, I just need something that hasn't ended, in case I need a fresh start again. Maybe when I get to the bridge I?ll look down and regret this whole thing. Maybe I?ll want a life do-over. I stare at myself in the mirror as my reflection stares back at me, retorting back : ?I guess you?ll never know unless you try.?
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