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A gust of wind drove down the valley, grazing my feet. I stood firmly, inhaling a mix of icy wind with nostalgic memories. I felt lethargic and sounded like a panting dog. It was the first path I have ever taken in life that was bestrewed with rocks and not litter. I felt a sense of purity, and I could tell my mind would be cleared after our hike. I could tell I would be able to face whatever happened that day It is not every day that you get to do things and cross them out your bucket list.
All around me were the sweetest of voices whispering love. The hands of time froze - I thought of adventure and of all things that made me grateful. The view in front of me was breathtaking - I contemplated taking a fun snap for the gram. ?What would make the perfect caption for a snap of a hidden gem?? ?Would it be ? I'm remembering nothing can stop me from being a forever being?? Pride filled my eyes as I snapped the perfect picture with the most seductive scenery. I certainly did not expect to get such a clear shot of myself alongside the enchanting alpine lake. I gazed at The Valley of Ten Peaks for a couple of minutes before I had continued the hike. I was allured by the beauty this place oozed. All around me were stunning alpines and vistas. The lake was shimmery emerald green blended with a blue fall. Indeed, this view was enjoyable - golden trees, majestic mountains, patches of snow with soothing water features. It was just one amazing place with an explosion of colour and light.
?Hi-Ho!? ?This was therapeutic.? It was amazing how a journey on foot could help you rejuvenate and rejoice in life. No, it was certainly not the great cardio workout I experienced or an increase in dopamine levels in my brain. No, it was not the natural light that helped elevate my mood. Nor was it an energy booster. I felt immersed in nature, and for the first time after an exceptionally long time I felt, I nurtured. It was Mother Earth nurturing me. She gently dressed my wounds and concocted a lofty magical potion that made my anxiety seem so insignificant. I felt divinely protected and safe. Ahh, they were right when they said nature is the perfect antidote for stress. ?How could I have not felt this before?? The peace, the stillness, and the warm fuzzy feelings. All I could see was Mother Earth staring back at me with the most captivating smile on her face and the dreamiest eyes. All this time - I was under the baleful influence of my computer screen. ?What a sinister he was? He blindfolded and trolled me with his mind games, or was it a well-thought-out game.?
It felt like Princess and the Frog, only to realize that the prince was all an illusion. He masqueraded as the prince, but he was just a frog. Well, well, this was rather fateful too! It was my sophomore year of college, and I was part of the coolest gang ever. I was not the typical sophomore. I was a tad bit cranky, an ounce of weirdness, a pound of cuteness, and a ton of brains. No, you thought wrong! I was definitely not a dork, but I was that interestingly odd mix that everyone adored. I struck the perfect balance between studying and having fun. I was quite a rebellion - vandalism, graffiti, parties, and prank calls were just some of the few things I did. Could it be all that daringness that got me dared in the first place or lured to a hazy path?
It was a fine Friday afternoon. We decided to bunk our late class and start the weekend with craziness. My friends knew that I had no interest in dating, and we were high on coke doing insane things. We decided to play Truth or Dare. It is one of the most thrilling games, but this turned out to be a nightmare. I guess it is just how the game works! It pulls the strings of your ego, striking each chord so powerfully drawing you in closer. The game started rather slowly and later advanced to something more thrilling. It finally got to me, and an unknown bohemian guy pitched up to the location. I was irked by him, yet dared by my friends to date him for a year. I tried to worm my way out of this one, but I could not work my way out. I still took up the challenge bravely.
Challenge accepted, I exclaimed. My friends cheered us on. We spent the night together, and gosh it was the most dreadful night. I was so infuriated that I got back to my senses, and I was clearheaded. He tried to create a conversation with me, but I could not bear being in the same room as him. The more I tried looking at him, the smile on my face turned into a frown. Even before midnight, everyone had passed out, and it was just him and I awake. I felt scared, so I decided to speak to him to get through the night. Within that night, my opinion about him changed. I should mention that he could keep a conversation. It was for the first time ever a guy had made me laugh non-stop, pay interest in a conversation, and actually taught me so much. I am the one who generally does all of the above, and it felt like I may have met my match. We had talked the whole night and exchanged numbers too. However, strange enough, we did not exchange any personal information. Soon it was dawn, and bright yellow rays wafted through the living room. I had received a call from my family and had to rush home, I had a family emergency that needed my attention. The next day, I woke up to multiple texts from him. I did not take him seriously. The only thing that changed was that I started admiring his quick wit.
We went back to college, and a few days later, he had transferred to my college. I was more than overwhelmed by things and swarmed with thoughts. Soon everything eased up, and we became good friends. I cannot remember how it started, but soon we were dating for real. It almost felt like someone had taken this dare seriously. Getting to know him, I realized I liked him. I started ignoring all the red flags he gave me. The closer we got I realized I was treading a tedious path. The more I tried to find out about his personal life - he would dismiss the topic at hand or always rush off to some other place. Over time the only time we spent was chatting online. He would come online after days and behave hostile towards me, but I could not stop myself from wanting to speak to him. Days went on, and he had ghosted me. I struggled to cope with this. It finally got to a point where I realized he was manipulative and toxic, so I decided to confront him. When I confronted him, he was rude and cold when he blurted out, ?we dated because of a dare - do not take things so seriously. ?I felt my whole body trembling, I was gasping for breath, I started stammering when I spoke, and I experienced a pounding headache. I stormed out of the room and wanted to be to myself that whole day. Weeks later, my college had sent out emails to us stating that the top achievers for the semester would be given a fully sponsored surprise getaway for a weekend. I wanted this so badly, as I knew I needed something like this to find myself.
It was the end of the semester, and I had once again achieved the first rank in my year. The long-awaited announcement was finally here. Where we were going was revealed. I was eager to go to Alberta, but I had no idea we would hike the Valley of Ten Peaks. The time had finally arrived, and I had the most exhilarating experience. Before the end of the hike, I had managed to recollect and relive all these memories. When I finally reflected on everything, I realized I needed to move on, and I needed the experience to grow.
We were almost towards the end of the hike, and I heard frightening sounds. I heard a roar of an avalanche coming at us with all its might. It roared violently, warning us of its arrival. A large rock almost came crashing at me. While I went tumbling down the slope, Ice-Golems charged towards me. They wrestled with me till I became frozen and tapped out. I struggled to move my limbs while I watched them beat their chest in victory. It was certainly not a fair fight! A 57kg human versus a 100ton Ice-Golem. I struggled to breathe, and my whole body felt numb. Snow covered me from head to toe, and the avalanche calmed. Miraculously I managed to stand up and be fearless. There was only one answer to it all. Divine intervention? No, divine protection! Just like that everything began to make sense.
The game was over! An endless hide and seek game retreated. It was a tower moment for me, and I knew the best was coming. I also blamed myself for the never-ending mind games. When Adam chose to hide, I still wanted to seek.
It was rather fateful, and I was trapped in the icy hands of time. Those clasped and clammy hands of time directed me to a path I never explored fully. He graced me with an eternal love and the best love story ever. My happily ever after! A love that would not hide, abandon, or tear me down. A love that is powerful, deep, and rich. There is no greater relationship than the one I share with myself.
Self-love too is a basic need. What if we all committed to loving ourselves more...
We are all that we have!
It was just a few black lines on a white cocktail napkin. Or what had once been a white cocktail napkin. It had faded, marked by time. It had been folded and unfolded. It had wiped away a tear or two. There was a stain left behind in one corner, sticky and dry at the same time. But the written lines were unblemished. Simple and neat. The pen that made them hadn't bled as it marked out a path for me. If I was only brave enough to follow them. It should be so easy. A left turn here. A straightaway. A right turn there.
A starting point and an ending point.
A journey in between.
But as I stared at the lines on the napkin held in my trembling hand, the doubt welled up inside of me. I could feel it rising, threatening to choke me. I pushed it down for now, but it would be back. It was always back.
I looked at the black lines again. The point wasn't the number of lines or even their direction. The point was what I would find along the way.
Someone bumped into me as I sat there, momentarily breaking the spell that a few lines written on a white cocktail napkin had over me. I should have been perturbed but I couldn't muster the feeling. The muttered apology came. I didn't acknowledge it. If it didn't exist between what lay between those few black lines, it didn't matter anymore. At least not for me.
I knew I was on the precipice. I think that much should be obvious. If I stuck one foot out I would fall. That should also be obvious. What wasn't obvious, at least not to me, was if I wanted to fall. The lines represented the moment when everything about my life could change. It could lead to a future or it could lead to an end. They weren't the same thing but either way, everything would be different.
I stood. I sat back down and the moment of confidence passed. The two options warred within me, mixing and swirling in a terrible mess of indecision.
Stay or go? Go or stay?
Follow the lines? Throw the napkin away?
I had tried to throw it away before. It hadn't worked.
Beads of sweat formed above my lip and I licked them away, the taste salty on my tongue. I decided that it was what fear would taste like. Or maybe what hope would taste like. I didn't know anymore.
?Do you want another one, sweetheart?? the bartender asked nodding to my empty glass.
?No,? I replied sharply. I didn't have time for meaningless questions.
I blew out a breath not realizing that I had been holding it. I normally know what I have to do. But this was different.
Just a few black lines separated me.
Stay or go? Go or stay?
Go. Stay.
Two little words. Black lines. White napkin. Black and white. No gray to be seen.
In a fit of anger, I crumbled the napkin up in my fist, my knuckles white, ready to dispose of it. It wasn't the first time I had done this. My heart pounded. My breath caught in my throat I paused again in indecision, in remorse and smoothed it back out, laid it out before me. I laid myself bare at the same time.
Despite the violence against them, the lines hadn't smudged. Even after all this time. They couldn't be erased or destroyed. It should have been comforting but it wasn't. They stretched out in front of me, smooth and straight, unfettered and confident in their purpose.
Each line was mocking me.
I turned the napkin over. It didn't help. The lines were burned into my brain. Imprinted onto my heart.
Go. Stay.
What would I find if I followed the lines? Would I be brave enough to face it?
And that was it. That was the main problem with those neat black lines. What it all came down to. Was I brave enough?
Are any of us brave enough to face the answers at the end? The questions?
Those black lines could lead anywhere. For me they lead to one place. A place that I had always wanted to go. And now that I had the way in front of me, a map to follow, directions laid out, I didn't know if I could go there. I had wanted it for so long that the wanting had replaced the hope of getting.
Go. Stay.
I closed my eyes, the sounds around me fading away. It was only my breath now. In and out. It filled my lungs. Sustained me.
Go. Stay.
The words pulsed through my veins, replacing my blood, cycling through my heart, whispering to my soul.
I was only those two words. I was only those few black lines.
I stood on the edge and imagined myself going over it.
There would be no going back.
If anyone cared to look at that moment, all they would have seen was a girl, sitting in a bar holding a crumpled white napkin with a few black lines, eyes closed, breathing slowly.
Would someone watching realize what they were witnessing?
Did they know the power those black lines held?
I was done fighting it.
I breathed out again and this time I let go of the doubt. And while I expected emptiness in its place, all I felt was peace. It settled into my weary bones and I knew.
I knew I was stronger than those few black lines on a white napkin.
I was stronger than the agony. I was stronger than the fear. I was stronger than the wanting.
Go. Stay.
Go.
My eyes snapped open and I stood, letting the napkin fall to the floor. I didn't need it anymore. I had never needed it. I knew where those black lines would lead.
And I was finally ready to follow them
I picked up my phone and dialed the numbers that those black lines mapped out, the ones that would lead me home.
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